Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
