he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
