I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
