And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
