His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
