I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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