the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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