my vag is so smooth its legendary
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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