My nipple is on Facebook.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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