I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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