he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
