I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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