enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
