dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
