I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
