There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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