thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
