Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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