i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
