I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
