I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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