I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
