I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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