just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
