he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
