god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
