I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
