Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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