I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize