You smell like a Billy Joel song
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I think people are normalizing furries
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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