You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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