I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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