Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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