Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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