Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
