Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
