Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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