I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
