bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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