Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
