Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
