I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
