i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize