No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
