I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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