Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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