I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize