I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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