I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
