I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
