It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
