I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
