When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
