He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
