He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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