Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
