Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
