i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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